Control
by Still believes Snivellus aka Heather Granger
Summary: Severus Snape's life revolves around this one word, see how it effects him in this short story.


"Severus, I would like to speak with you in my office after dinner." Albus Dumbledore said to the middle aged Potions Master.  
  
"Yes Headmaster." Severus said curtly. He looked down at his food, and felt sick. This was not unusual for him, but tonight, he actually felt like rushing to the bathroom to relive his nausea.   
  
Day in and out, Severus had to deal with more, than any normal wizard his age. He had made a choice when he was younger, and because of that choice he was now forever dammed in one-way or another. He was dammed if he did anything wrong and he was dammed if he didn't. Either way Voldermort did not act kindly towards the shadowed man, and as much as Albus would refute it, neither did he.  
  
  
Dinner finished all to slowly for Severus, as he banished his rather full plate to the kitchen for the house-elves to deal with. He rose slowly at first, then quickened his pace past the Gryffindor table, and eventually found his way down to his classroom.  
  
His classroom, his sanctuary, his small sphere of control, where he was in ultimate control. Control, he thought, now what a small word for it to mean so much to him. One could even say his life came down to that one word, a seven-letter word. Silly how this could be, but he was not in control for all of his life until he joined Voldermort, no doubt why he joined, but then it got out of control, and that he did not care for, not at all.  
  
What is it about control that makes people frightened, powerful, and uneasy all at the same time? What causes control to quickly become out of control, and then what does that makes control in the first place?   
  
But then there is controlled; now that is a word reflecting back on one's own self, instead of others. If any man was to be described as controlled it would be Severus Snape. The man keeps himself constantly in check, but does this come from someone exerting control over another? This was all to familiar to Severus, for his father was the one who made him this way; it was his father who told him how to act in a controlled manner, no not told him, showed him. He showed him every night with a belt, or a broom, or a wand.  
  
He overheard a voice in his head, "Severus, are you coming?"   
  
"Yes, Headmaster." Severus said as he walked to the door closing it behind him.  
  
"Ah Severus, I was afraid you had forgotten. Come in and have a seat, I wish to ask you how you are doing?"  
  
"Voldermort is delaying his time, after being caught in the Ministry, I believe his is somewhat put off an idea of an attack in the near future. He is gathering more to him." He stated blandly.  
  
"That is not what I asked Severus, I asked how YOU were doing."  
  
"I am fine." He said too quickly.  
  
"Severus, I know you don't eat much, but lately it has been absurd. You need to eat more, you are skin and bones as it is." After these words escaped the Headmaster's mouth, he knew what kind of response he was to receive.  
  
"I don't need you telling me what to do, I am in control." Damm there was that word again, how he hates the word, it hangs over him like an ever-fixed mark.  
  
"I was not telling you what to do Severus, I was just showing my concern. Forgive me, I know how you do not like to be told what to do."  
  
"No, it is my fault, I should know better, after 13 years you would think I could let this go, but I can't it is always there, just like Potter and his stupid friends." He said frustrated.  
  
"Severus you need to let it go, what good is it doing you now? Anything?"  
  
"No, you wouldn't understand, you don't understand!" He said sneering.  
  
"Then tell me, make me understand." Damm the fool, Severus thought.  
  
"Make you understand? Make you? No, understanding, now that is a word I detest."  
  
"Why do you detest it?"  
  
"How can you possibly understand me, you are not me, and therefore can not understand me!"  
  
"Severus, we all feel at times that no one in the world can relate to us, but believe me we can, and as wizards we have an even stronger ability to sympathize."  
  
"Sympathize? I don't want your sympathy, old man."  
  
"I am sorry you feel this way." Dumbledore said trying to remain calm.  
  
"Damm you! Dammit, how can you just sit there and say that?" Severus said more frustrated than ever.  
  
"You just said that I can not understand you, and therefore I will not try."  
  
"You don't understand. You just don't understand what it is like to be berated by your father every night, you do not know what it is like being told that you would amount to nothing. You do not relate to how I feel about how much you betrayed me when you let Black, Potter and Lupin get off with a slap on the wrist when I was almost killed. You have no respect of my life, only Potter's. My life means nothing to anyone, and therefore it means nothing to myself!" Shocked at these words, Albus closed his eyes temporarily. And then slowly formulated how to respond.  
  
"Severus, I have tried these 13 years to try and become your friend, someone you can talk to, and yet week after week we make no progress."  
  
"What good is a friend, when you don't comprehend what they are good for?"  
  
"A friend Severus, is someone who can listen to your problems, make you laugh, let you cry, and most importantly a friend is suppose to be able to understand you."  
  
"Is that what you think you are? My friend, no I am sorry Albus, you have hurt me too much to be my friend. You have my allegiance, and nothing more." Severus gasped and grabbed his forearm.  
  
"I must go." He stated quietly.  
  
"Severus, don't please, not again." Albus pleaded with the child.  
  
"I must do my duty, maintain control in my life."  
  
"DO NOT GO! I will not sit back and let you die. I have worked to hard."  
  
"Funny, I don't remember caring before. You know Albus, I am not Connor, despite how much you think I am. If you want to redeem yourself by giving aid to someone, don't use me!" He said sneering.   
  
"How dare you speak to me like that! How dare you mention my son's name!" Albus said losing control.  
  
"Forgive me I was out of place." Severus said turning his back.  
  
"Severus, I am sorry I lost control, I think we both did."  
  
"Gods how I hate that word!"  
  
EVERYTHING IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL! 


End file.
